Wednesday, August 17, 2016

Confessions of a Lunatic

I lose my shit from time to time over here.  I know I am not alone, but that doesn't make the guilt any less.  Lately it has been happening more.  The other day I actually screamed at my toddler to "get off of me".  Whoa.  I looked at him wrapped around my neck, choking me, and pulling my hair with his toes spider monkey style while I was folding clothes.  My heart hit the floor and broke into a million pieces.  He just wants to play, and his once adventurous mom is now the fun police.  I'm at the end of my third trimester.  I have constant feelings of having my body worn down by another person.  I'm uncomfortable and clearly it is wearing on me.  I have been busy trying to accomplish a bullshit list of things to make me feel ready.  In reality I am trying to feel in control.  Prove to myself I can do this.  That two kids will be fun and I can handle it.  That my life will still have some semblance of order.  That I can maintain our life and move forward with more on my plate.  I don't know why I put this pressure on myself.  My husband seems to have obvious easy solutions to my problems.  Leavitt doesn't care if I manage to make our house catalog perfect before he becomes a big brother.  I'm stressed trying to do these things for them and they just want me happy. The irony of the situation is not lost on me.

I complained to my mom the other day that I wasn't ready.  The boys needed new clothes, and the nursery wasn't done yet.  You know that room he won't use his first few months of life.  We took a shopping trip.  Bought the baby tiny precious onesies and pants.  Purchased adorably grown up school clothes for Leavitt.  We had a relaxing delicious lunch at the Royal River Grill in Yarmouth.  A place my mom had told me about after her last trip south.  After lunch we each purchased big baby items.  I sprung for the Halo swivel bassinet, and my mom got us the Mamaroo swing my husband has been coveting.  It is amazing how centered a day of retail therapy can make me feel prepared.  I'm not saying that shopping gave me some profound new perspective on bringing another baby home.  But spending a day focusing on just getting things prepared for them, and talking about them and what they need with my mom was enough to make me feel refreshed, despite my aching body.  

Through all of this petty stress getting the best of me is that my bible study group has been reading a book called Unglued By Lysa TerKeurst.  Clearly God would like me to read, reread, and practice some grace and patience in my own house.  I am going to start by washing a lifetime of baby clothes next week to prepare for my newest little one, without having a major head fit.  

We have two crazy weeks planned to force us out of summer and then we will be on official baby watch.  My husband is in a wedding the same weekend as our anniversary.  So we will attend three days of wedding festivities, come home for one night and take off for our anniversary getaway.  Which will include eating alone, a massage, and probably too much chatter about our children.  Praying he doesn't come sooner than that but anytime after September 1st we are ready little guy!  Between now and then I am going to try to savor every last ounce of Leavitt being an only child even if that means letting him sit on my head and combing my hair with his toes. 

That gem of a meltdown picture was captured by Danielle Brady Photography who knows I live for a meltdown picture during ever session. 

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