Wednesday, May 31, 2017

The Fitting Room Diaries

Grab a cup of coffee and hold on to your mom jeans,  its about to get real.

 After my post about dressing the mom bod for spring I got some of the sweetest feedback to my inbox.  Most everyone can relate to needing a little extra love in the wardrobe department to help us navigate our post baby bodies and closets.  While I loved all the positive feedback, and felt good that I had encouraged some of you, I have to admit I have been backsliding lately on the self love.  

Last weekend I was out of town on a girls shopping trip.  I went out the night before to eat and had a couple drinks because the kids were with my mom.  My 3AM wake up call and 5 hours in the car bright and early had me feeling less than my best.  Then I decided to spend the day dressing and undressing over and over again in front of a mirror under fluorescent lights.  Needless to say my usually solid self esteem took a nosedive and I saved my husband lots of money not going crazy updating my closet for summer.   I figure I should probably stop living my life like I am on permanent vacation and shake this mom bod of mine back to its happy place.  

The week before our shopping trip Preston got super sick, Leavitt seemed to also be sick but not double-ear-infection-and-pneumonia-sick like his little brother.  My talented and super thoughtful gal pal the fabulous Danielle Brady Photography, had us on the books for mommy and me pics that had to be rescheduled because who needs 100 pictures of my kids crying and me sweating? No one.  I mean those are actually my favorite pictures from every single session ever, but I do love the perfectly sweet candid just as much.  I was kind of happy they got pushed back so I could find new outfits for the photos, however after my day in the fitting room I started to think I didn't want to do pictures at all.  

Now I will just stop here and say I am a fairly confident gal, who despite knowing my flaws tends to embrace the season knowing at some point I will work on it (or not depends on the mood I guess) but I just don't find my self worth in the mirror, or in my closet for that matter.  I love fashion and clothes make me happy but that is not part of my self worth.  I give and receive love all day every day and that's where my worth comes from.  I have a deep appreciation for my body, for carrying two healthy baby boys, a gift that I would never cheapen by hating it for being a little too soft should we say.  

My weekend in the dressing room was a rough one on the pride, but I would never turn down the chance to take pictures with my boys, to document a season of life because my ego is deflated.  I am mad at myself for letting my head go there.  So mamas, suck it up, suck it in, take the pictures and for gosh sake when the fitting room is letting you down head to the shoe department! Can I get an AMEN on that one?! 

Friday, May 19, 2017

Here We Are

I have a little confession to make. I've had so many ideas for new content and even started a handful of posts, but I can't seem to finish them or I get a little negative and scrap on the idea.  So many of my closest friends had been checking in on me leading up to the one year anniversary of my Dad's passing.  Which happened to fall on the day before Mother's day and my birthday.  I am fairly tough and try to be in control of my emotions so I was confident I was going to stroll through this one OK.  The more I was reminded though, the more I began to get a little sad and reflect on what a crazy year it was.  I put every ounce of myself into Preston and Leavitt that I didn't take the time to ever grieve properly.  Instead I began the constant panic and internal obsession over my health.  Going crazy thinking anything that didn't feel right was something terrible.  A few new moles were shown to three different doctors just to make sure I didn't have melanoma.  I have been channeling my grief into a weird almost obsessive fear of leaving my kids behind.  Maybe it's a control thing, who knows.

Sorry if this all seems a little crazy, but putting it all into words helps sort out why I haven't wanted to blog.  It's not just blogging I have been avoiding without meaning to, I have had a few friends ask if they did something or if I'm mad because I have been distant.  I clearly let myself wander into a rut and have only focused on my family and some of my gal pals who have kept my mind off of the sad stuff and on having fun and celebrating my last year in my 20's.  I'm so thankful for friends that recognize when I'm a little off and help me stay the course.  Where would a girl be without her friends?

We are winding down at school, and have finished our last week of MOPs.  How crazy the year has flown by!  At our last MOPs meeting I realized I was still pregnant with Preston when we started this year.   At the beginning of the school year I was so concerned that adding to our family would create chaos, an unmanageable amount of work for me, and rock my world in a way I could never recover from.  I had a good little thing going and was nervous to rock the boat.  Then came Preston.  The sweetest, little bundle of love there ever was, who completed us all in a way we didn't even know we were desperate for.  He seamlessly filled a huge part of me, so much so it is hard for me to even believe we got by without him.  But here we are wrapping up the year, starting our summer, and that tiny human I was still growing is now a husky eight month old I don't ever recall living without.

I know I am not alone when I say that sometimes I am just happy to be getting by.  If I met my kids needs for the day, and my husband and the boys have heard that I love them, that's enough.  I love when my house is spotless, the kids are in adorable outfits, and I have it all together.  But life happens.   Eventually I will get around to going the extra mile, striving for the perfect Instagram worthy snippets of my life to share.  But in order to be myself, and be a good friend, mom, wife, and daughter I have to be OK with short seasons of getting by.   Letting the details in life go so that I can focus on my relationships is what keeps my heart full when it very well could be a shattered mess.

I am glad to see Leavitt's first year of school end on a happy note.  Preston didn't throw me into a tailspin of chaos.  We can handle life as a family of four.  I also am glad to be free of this first anniversary.  A weight has been lifted and it is time to get back down to business!  So if you are still reading this, thanks for hanging in there with me.  I have missed posting, I miss seeing your messages when I step back, so if I haven't gotten back to you I will do that this week!