Friday, May 19, 2017

Here We Are

I have a little confession to make. I've had so many ideas for new content and even started a handful of posts, but I can't seem to finish them or I get a little negative and scrap on the idea.  So many of my closest friends had been checking in on me leading up to the one year anniversary of my Dad's passing.  Which happened to fall on the day before Mother's day and my birthday.  I am fairly tough and try to be in control of my emotions so I was confident I was going to stroll through this one OK.  The more I was reminded though, the more I began to get a little sad and reflect on what a crazy year it was.  I put every ounce of myself into Preston and Leavitt that I didn't take the time to ever grieve properly.  Instead I began the constant panic and internal obsession over my health.  Going crazy thinking anything that didn't feel right was something terrible.  A few new moles were shown to three different doctors just to make sure I didn't have melanoma.  I have been channeling my grief into a weird almost obsessive fear of leaving my kids behind.  Maybe it's a control thing, who knows.

Sorry if this all seems a little crazy, but putting it all into words helps sort out why I haven't wanted to blog.  It's not just blogging I have been avoiding without meaning to, I have had a few friends ask if they did something or if I'm mad because I have been distant.  I clearly let myself wander into a rut and have only focused on my family and some of my gal pals who have kept my mind off of the sad stuff and on having fun and celebrating my last year in my 20's.  I'm so thankful for friends that recognize when I'm a little off and help me stay the course.  Where would a girl be without her friends?

We are winding down at school, and have finished our last week of MOPs.  How crazy the year has flown by!  At our last MOPs meeting I realized I was still pregnant with Preston when we started this year.   At the beginning of the school year I was so concerned that adding to our family would create chaos, an unmanageable amount of work for me, and rock my world in a way I could never recover from.  I had a good little thing going and was nervous to rock the boat.  Then came Preston.  The sweetest, little bundle of love there ever was, who completed us all in a way we didn't even know we were desperate for.  He seamlessly filled a huge part of me, so much so it is hard for me to even believe we got by without him.  But here we are wrapping up the year, starting our summer, and that tiny human I was still growing is now a husky eight month old I don't ever recall living without.

I know I am not alone when I say that sometimes I am just happy to be getting by.  If I met my kids needs for the day, and my husband and the boys have heard that I love them, that's enough.  I love when my house is spotless, the kids are in adorable outfits, and I have it all together.  But life happens.   Eventually I will get around to going the extra mile, striving for the perfect Instagram worthy snippets of my life to share.  But in order to be myself, and be a good friend, mom, wife, and daughter I have to be OK with short seasons of getting by.   Letting the details in life go so that I can focus on my relationships is what keeps my heart full when it very well could be a shattered mess.

I am glad to see Leavitt's first year of school end on a happy note.  Preston didn't throw me into a tailspin of chaos.  We can handle life as a family of four.  I also am glad to be free of this first anniversary.  A weight has been lifted and it is time to get back down to business!  So if you are still reading this, thanks for hanging in there with me.  I have missed posting, I miss seeing your messages when I step back, so if I haven't gotten back to you I will do that this week!

1 comment:

  1. I love the layout of your blog, Samantha! I'm looking forward to reading future posts!