Monday, October 24, 2016

Remember This

There are so many things I take for granted being a Mom.  I hate that I know this about being a parent, and yet there is nothing I can do about it.  Tiny moments that bring great pleasures and yet somehow they go unsavored.  I am terrified to forget these things that I am noticing for the second time.  The things that made my heart skip a beat becoming a mom for the first time, that I had forgotten until I had another.  Part of me dies thinking I won't remember some of this someday.

The smell of my son on my clothes as I pull my shirt over my head at the end of a long day.  Weather it's his Noodle & Boo lotion from his face and head, or spit up from a feeding a little too on-the-go for his tiny body to handle.  As I put my pajamas on I always find myself getting a quick second wind  gearing up to soothe two kids to sleep.  Making sure everyone has their before bed drinks, clean combed hair, and cozy pajamas.  I can smell this moment.  I forgot how good baby milk breath smells, or slightly sour milk in the folds of his ever so soft neck.  

I can still hear Leavitt's quiet but desperate cry.  I can hear it in Preston and it kills me that I will blink and Preston will be a boisterous little boy clanging and banging around the house like his brother.  The sweet sob that makes me drop everything and come running.  Eventually will sound so bossy I will make him wait.  The cry will soon become for anyone that will listen, right now it is just for me. He knows his greatest wail, from his tiny body will bring his mama.  Bring the person who is anticipating that cry, who knows what he needs in that very moment.  

I forgot how a newborn magically fits so perfect on a new moms body.  How his little body just seems made to snuggle mine, like a puzzle piece is made for another.  I don't know how God knew but he made each of my babies heads the exact size of my chest, perfect for kissing noggins while snuggling.  Perfect for smelling new baby hair and skin.  These moments when I am holding or carrying him while he is so little, I just want to live in that moment forever. 

The same way I was made to love a newborn I can feel myself made to love a toddler.  I am sad one day these moments will give way to learning how I was made to love an older kiddo.  Time is such a blessing, but it can be cruel.  Pushing us along at its own pace, forcing us to evolve faster than we want.  Sometimes I don't even realize something is happening and just like that I've swaddled for the last time.  I hate not knowing when the last time will be.  Every part of me is desperate to remember these things.  To not take them for granted, because someday soon I will be so jealous of myself today.  I will want to be this person again, if just for a day, to have someone that smells like sour milk, fit so perfectly on my chest, to kiss their little head, and hear them cry out for only me.  Learning to live in this bittersweet reality is so hard.  That's the thing about having your second, you are no longer blissfully unaware of where this journey is taking you.  You know there will come a time you will rock someone to sleep for the last time, and you might not even know it will be the last time.  

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