Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Getting Real

"You're slacking on your blog posts"  is the last text I received on my phone.  I obviously knew this but I didn't realize other people were noticing too.  The truth is I haven't been feeling it lately.  Back when I first decided to let you all into my life and share the blog I knew I didn't want to fluff anything or be fake.  It had to be all authentically me or I wasn't going to bother.  Much like my true personality I wanted the blog to be a representation of me, which is unfiltered, off the cuff, and unapologetic.  Sometimes I look at the number of views the page gets and I wonder if I should really share what is on my heart.  So for the sake of reckless honesty here we go...

I have the life I always hoped for.  I am where I would want to be on paper for my age.  At 27 I have a husband I still like getting busy with, a son who adores me, a beautiful home to be the backdrop for his childhood, and the time to enjoy it all.  He goes to daycare twice a week so that I can enjoy me time, get a manicure, see my friends and run extra errands so that my husband feels taken care of.  Of course anytime you make great gains a great sacrifice is usually made.  

I have some sadness.  I often feel inadequate that my role in our family is one of support.  I am secondary.  My husband gets to leave the house every morning with clothes I have laid out and run to and from the dry cleaners.  My job is to support him at home so that he can support us financially.  Often I feel like that makes me less important.  Less successful.  My real purpose is to take care of our babe and home.  His every need my task at hand.  The never ending sippy cup fill ups and diaper changes.  The play dates and activities to make sure he is well rounded.  The pressure I put on myself to get an outfit together so that I am not seen at target a hot mess the way I usually feel inside.  There is this guilty feeling that I look around and know I have it all. Yet feel a little empty when my husband is grumpy  and my toddler won't stop crying because he isn't allowed to have my phone or ride the dogs.  I want to scream "I had a job once upon a time and for all the grief you guys give me I could earn a pay check and you could all fend for yourselves!".  But that is ridiculous and I have probably only screamed twice over such a thing.  I think about it a lot though.  I even went so far as to apply at a local lab to go back to work part time, scheduled an interview out of spite for not feeling valued.  I canceled the interview the morning before, knowing that I really couldn't punish my child for my own selfish feelings and pride.   

I have been listening a lot lately to people around me.  Other mothers and wives.  Comparing myself, my child and my husband.  The good news is we are pretty freaking normal.  Phew.  The bad news is that life really is hard work.  Marriage, kids, bills, life stuff, its all so important and I think the stress we feel to get it right reflects how serious we take our roles.  I always tell my husband you make the living, I make the life.  Neither one can do their work without the other and maintain the life we have now.  We are in a partnership not a power struggle no matter how blurred those lines can get.  I don't want to be right if it means he has to be wrong.

So there you have it.  The reason I have been MIA.  I am a work in progress.  This is a journey I am blessed to have been chosen for.  These two guys are teaching me every day to have more grace.  I know so many of you feel the same things and I hope in sharing my heart with you that you all feel a little more normal.  We really are all in this together.  Someday we will be crazy old women roaming target spewing unsolicited advice to new moms about how these "are the best days of their lives" and hopefully they don't bitch slap us.

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