4th of July aftermath

We have recovered from our holiday weekend at camp.  I don't know about all of you, but packing up three people for a weekend to be spent in bathing suits and pajamas is so much work! I dread the coming home and unpacking process even more.  The laundry is unreal.  Anyways, the laundry is done, the tans are darker, our bellies are still full, and now I am going to fill you in on the nitty gritty. Contain your excitement please.

Anyone that knows my soul would tell you I despise the beach.  The sand, the salt water, the random near nakedness of sweaty strangers, the ride home in my own sweat, and sand in places that never saw the sun.  Take a second to let that visual make you never want to go to the beach.  Well now that I am a mom and want my child to experience all our beautiful state has to offer I actually asked my mom to go to the beach with Leavitt and I on friday instead of shopping.  No, I am not sick but writing that makes me think I actually might have a fever.  The sacrifice is real.  Just as luck would have it my sister was able to tag along and we had a nice little beach day, all that was missing was Russell and if you ask my mom, champagne.  Sorry mom, I was only thinking of myself when I packed the sparkling water instead of sparkling grapes.  But driving, tourists, and a toddler running anywhere near rocks and the ocean is enough on my plate, a slow reaction time would've been no bueno.   Also while rocking my mom suit you had better believe I was on guard in case a wardrobe malfunction were to ensue... not to mention the throngs of tourists taking pictures.  I felt like Mariah Carey trying to avoid the paparazzi, it was out of control.   So back to what I DO like about the beach.  Leavitt loves to chase and be chased so the waves kept him entertained.  He's a warm bath kind of guy so the cold water took some getting used to.  He made "friends" with some long haired hippies that wore their corduroys to the beach.  When it got too hot they took their pants off and hung out in their skimpy man undies... uhhh yeah.  Nothing more awkward than dragging your kid away from half naked men in all your mom glory.  Safe to say I am thankful I currently am in control of his social circle.  We left at lunch time and of course I couldn't pass up a chance to visit our wedding venue and show my sister where all the fun will happen.

That afternoon when we got home from the beach I unpacked, then repacked for camp.  By now everyone north of New Jersey was headed to the Maine coast and traffic was a B.  It crossed my mind more than once what the big deal was... I mean almost every car was packed with people and had something on the roof.  By the time we got to camp Leavitt was sick of my shenanigans and was happy to see his Gramp.  That kid is a trooper, but man when he's all set, he's really all set.  Per usual Nick was late, Leavitt practically demanded a boat ride, I was on edge freaking out inside about the potential for a rescue mission off the dock because Leavitt is not exactly a safety first dude.  The fourth was just as wonderful as the first two I have spent with Nick.  I love getting to share his traditions with Leavitt too.  We ate lobster, chased babies, refused naps, blew bubbles, went for another boat ride, and at the end of the night when everyone else was too tired to stay up Leavitt and I laid on the day bed and watched the fireworks across the lake.  I love a good party, but I really love our routine.  I need that normal alone time with Leavitt to decompress.  Leavitt and his Gramp caught their first fish together, Leavitt really was more into messing with the pole and driving the boat than the actual fish.  Lucky for said fish, Leavitt never got his tiny paws on him and the fish will live another day.  All in all we had a great weekend and of course my tiny taskmaster decided his first nap of the weekend should be just as I got us all packed and ready to go.... so typical.  Obviously he got the independence day memo and thought he'd assert his all over the place.  Biggest thanks to Nick's parents who put the whole weekend on.  Jane was actually away, but Rick held down the fort and pulled it off perfectly.  I especially was feeling a little pampered since I didn't cook all weekend.  The guilt of that must have been more than I could bear because we hit up Hannaford on a Monday and spewed birth control all over the place with Leavitt's tantrum at the check out.  Parents of teens working their summer bums off at Hannford, you're welcome.

Total side note.  The blog is actually under construction so even though you can read this post there will be big changes coming in the next week or so! Try with all your mommy might to heed your excitement until I can tell you for sure whats going on!!

XO- Samantha

Happy half Birthday!!

Leavitt William,

My precious, vibrant, determined, wonderful one and a half year old! I can not even believe I am the mother to a toddler little alone someone to be so proud of.  You are smart, witty and giving.  You have your own little way about you that makes me smile.  I both fear and adore your tenacity.  You are a force my love, and I am loving getting to know you better every day.

I hope to always at least recognize and celebrate you in some way on your half birthday.  I hate that you are rushed through the birthday excitement because of Christmas, so we will always find a way to make this day special too. Truly I hope you feel celebrated everyday.  I hope you hear me as I cheer you on with all your little adventures, and that you are beginning to see that "no" really does mean no.  Speaking of no, you still hate that word.  You still give me the side eye when you hear it and I can see you calculating in your head weather I am close enough to stop you or if you have time to make a valiant attempt.  Keep your quick wit kid, you're going to need it to outsmart your mom, lord knows you're already trying.

Thank you for being such a light in our lives.  You really melt me to the core with your tight hugs, and adoring kisses.  Being your mom is such an honor, but dude you've really been exploiting that lately.  For instance, you know how much I love dressing you so when you're pissed at me you rip off your clothes and diaper.  Yeah, you're probably a teenager by now reading this so from one rebel soul to another I hope you've grown out of that by now! By the way if you don't I am so going to do that to you when I get to the nursing home... you've been warned.  You also have a real problem with anyone looking at you when you are in the car... that one I can't explain but its a thing you've been doing so for now I am rolling with it.  You are into everything and climb up on the kitchen island, causing every one's heart to skip a beat.  You're a real thrill seeker, and total bossy pants.  You like going for rides on your Grampy's boat but you are really only happy if you are in control.  You also have a fascination with cars and love going to the dealership to sit in all the cool showroom cars... another Grampy thing.  Lucky for me he realizes the monster that he's created so he drags you out kicking and screaming and puts you in the car seat.  You are also sensitive with a heart of gold.  You sometimes have a hard time when I drop you off at daycare, crying and not letting me set you down.  I try to put on a brave face but I miss you just as much, probably more.  You should probably know that once I am done my mommy stuff, and catching up with a girlfriend here and there I don't relax and wait until its time to go get you.  I just go get you.  I cringe at the thought of doing nothing without you.

We sat on the porch and watched it rain the other day, you loved running around getting all wet.  I love watching you explore this world with all your wonder, but sometimes have to tell the uptight control freak inside of me to shut up and let you be messy, crazy, wild & filthy.  Its not in my nature to really let go and not worry about the mess, but I am trying.  We have been playing hooky from our mommy and me madness, you don't seem to mind.  Right now you are in swim and music, and occasionally we go to gymnastics if we don't have a play date the same day.  You're basically a Bangor toddler socialite.  You and all your little buddies who are running their mommies ragged too.   You even have a group of adoring elderly fans at Dysart's.  We have a standing Tuesday date there before music... you're a real sucker for the mediocre food and the throngs of senior citizens.  You love that they wave and call you by name... I have to admit it used to be cute, now it feels excessive.  You ham it up for them, you're going to either be in a boy band or a politician I have decided.

So happy half way to your second birthday!!! We love you bunches!!! XOXO

Love,
Mommy

P.S.  Daddy is a total sucker and has been hitting up toys r us pretty hard lately.  So today lets go get Starbucks and stop by there with his picture.  I am going to threaten everyone that works there, that they are not to sell anything else inflatable to him... or they will incur the wrath of mommy!! Maybe you should work up a hand gesture to help me out with that.

We don't care you don't change diapers

In honor of Father's Day I am going to give a big shout out to the traditional man, more importantly father.  The guy that you grew up seeing on TV, who goes to work, pays the bills, kisses the wife, throws the ball with the kids real quick then turns it over to Mama.  This guy doesn't change diapers, or travel alone with the baby, he doesn't make the meals, or clean up after dinner.  He's not attending play dates, or running household errands.  He's not even totally sure what goes on here during the course of every day.  What he does is just as important.  He is a provider and none of it is possible without him.

I will be the first to admit that there are days I wish I had a job outside of the home and that Nick was forced to wrangle our toddler alone.  He's a full blown toddler with at that entails and it can be exhausting.  But all this feminist BS about dads watching kids shouldn't be called babysitting, and hurt feelings over society's expectations of Mother's totally blows my mind.  I'm the Mom, I can handle it.  I may be rolling my eyes, and over caffeinating myself (totally did that every day at my real job anyways) to get it together but its happening. Luckily for me Nick has been witness to enough of the crazy to feel sorry for me from time to time.  Not sorry enough to change diapers and that's OK.

So Happy Father's Day Nick! We love you and so appreciate your hard work.  We are always sad to see you go and happy to have you home.  I appreciate the looks of "what the hell was that" after a meltdown and your sympathetic laughs that make me glad to have you on my team.  Most importantly thank you for sacrificing your time so that I can have more.  For making it possible to be with Leavitt instead of at work and, for not guilt tripping me for needing two days of sanity and me time when he goes to daycare. Thank you for not being annoyed that I basically always drop him off late and pick him up early because I miss him.  Thank you for trusting me to make the big decisions and reassuring me when I am flying by the seat of my pants.  We love visiting you at work and hope you know how happy it makes me that you are doing what you always said you wanted.   I would continue to kiss your ass here but you're about to need my help laying out your clothes for work, and speaking of clothes, I've ignored Leavitt longer than he'd like so he's taking all his clothes off! Lucky me, he's going to be a real treat when he is a teenager if this keeps up!

And also thanks for dealing with my daily pictures of what is going on especially when he's driven his power wheels into someone's Buick and I'm not totally sure what I should do...

The reset

So I wrote this about a month ago and tonight while reading and reminiscing about my favorite boy who is currently under the weather while his Mama battles the bridal blues, I accidentally have reminded myself that its time to reset.  I need to get off the mommy hamster wheel and do something fun for myself.  Call the friend I have been dying to check in with but up until lately have only been able to muster a text, drink a glass of wine that has been passed over in favor of caffeine day after day, and pat myself on the back for having the baby in bed by 8.  Oh yeah.  I would have just rewritten all of this but the second paragraph is essentially my everyday truth and you should probably read it and have a laugh at my expense....

Like most Moms that try to be everything to everyone, I struggle a little to let go of my Mommy role and settle into my partner role.  We just went to Boston to celebrate my soon to be sister in law's graduation from optometry school.  Talk about being knocked down the ladder on who Leavitt will ask to career day…. I will send muffins, whatever.

Before we left him in the loving, capable hands of my mother I had a little break down.  I always worry about being less than a short drive from him so I was a little nerved up.  I also have a nagging OCD version of my Grammy Nightingale inside that would like to put plastic on the furniture.  So just as I thought we were ready to roll, Nick who has used the oven all of four times decided to make himself some lunch.  WHAT. THE. HELL.  I can't stomach coming home to a mess.  Not to get carried away but the thought brings me to tears.  Then Leavitt barfed.  Yeah that again.  So I started crying.  I'm going to miss him, I'm sick of cleaning up vomit, partial tears of joy that Nick knows how to use the oven, and partially crying because there is a mess I might come home to.  I am a mess. My mom, witness to the whole shit show.

Honestly I love the rare quality time I get with my man.  It feels good to feel that connection that has weathered years of life.  Sometimes I get a little nervous wondering if he thinks I have become too safe and forgotten that wild child in me that brought us together.  We talk a lot about Leavitt, how funny his quirks are, how much we love his little attitude even though he knows how to push my buttons like his daddy.  We spent the weekend following an itinerary stealing moments here and there of quiet.  Then on our way to brunch we got stuck in a fancy town we don't live in, blocked out by a parade not for us and we threw our hands in the air and drove north.  Stopped at a cute little place in Kittery to soothe the hanger pains and hit the gap outlet...baby clothes, cute mom jeans, and carb overload...priorities people.

I honestly did not need to reset myself very often until lately.  The mom days are longer, the sleep shorter, the tantrums louder, my man less accessible, the stuff that our life is made of seems to all be on steroids lately.  However my willingness to let go and ask for help gets less and less. His stages feel so fleeting I don't want to miss anything, but I am afraid I won't even recognize myself if I don't catch my breath.

Read with Caution

This is my week.  Mother's day and my birthday fall within the same week, this year four days apart.  So I am going to just do what I do best and own up to it, I have a major chip on my shoulder this week.  Basically I gave up life as I knew it and took on these Varney boys and all their maintenance.  Their every need, issue or hunger pain being my task at hand.  I love them dearly and have gained way more than I gave up but lets be honest life of a homemaker and stay at home mom is exhausting and thankless at times.  When you spend the majority of your days being secondary you get to put up a stink and declare this your week…So I thought.

Last night was particularly tough, not only was he really not wanting to go to bed when he got close to sleeping he let out a huge poo and the diaper change rallied him to stay up longer.  Then he coughed while holding his breath, his specialty, and barfed everywhere…. In my bed… insert sad screaming emoji.  So this morning I was determined to do something extra fun,  new and exciting with him.  We swam on Monday, went to breakfast and music class on Tuesday and today we were going to try mommy and me gymnastics.  I try hard to do fun things with him those three days because he goes to daycare on Thursday and Friday.  My cleaning, errands, lady maintenance and social life wait all week for these two days between 10:00 and 3:00.  Selfishly I need those days.  And I have no shame in saying that.  So today we are out the door at 8:30, a miracle for us.  I have to get not only myself ready but Leavitt, and lets be honest Nick needs his clothes laid out, a clean towel on the hook, and his iced latte ready to go in the morning or he's not going anywhere.  Right, so back to what I was saying we are on our way to gymnastics, Nick and I are talking on the phone about nothing interesting when I hear the I'm holding my breath cough in the back seat.  I start chanting "don't puke, don't puke, oh shit Nick I gotta go".  Ummm yea, so he did, several times.  I pull into a development to get his clothes off of him and try to get his seat clean enough that he can ride home in it when a sweet lady pulls up asking if I am ok.  I explain whats happening.  She is so sympathetic I almost asked for a hug.  Leavitt honks the horn as she pulls away because obviously when your mom locks you in a car and you're not in your car seat, where do you go? Front of the bus.

 Leavitt is a handful, the busy all the time type, yet so sensitive you really need to handle his feelings with utmost delicacy.  I feel like most days we have it together pretty good, but the days that we don't really take a toll on me.  So tomorrow if you see Nick or Leavitt, remind them to bring a card and some wine home because the Madre needs her sanity.  Alright I have been off task long enough and Mickey is only going to hold the storm back, I mean child, long enough for me to do this, suck down some coffee and maybe fold the laundry if I get a little wild and crazy.  Hopefully the car seat dries soon and we can salvage the day with some Starbucks and a play ground date.

Hope all you Mamas are having a good day! XO

Happy Birthday, Leavitt William

Leavitt William,

You have blessed me with the best year of my life.  A year full of excitement, joy and firsts.  I hope today you feel as special as you are and that you know how much you are loved.   It is hard believe we have shared only a year together.  Although it seems like yesterday you were born, I can barely recall a life without you here.  You have changed my perspective and give meaning to even the smallest moments.  I am so grateful to have been chosen as your Mom.

A few days ago you had your first Christmas.  In years past your Dad and I would have had things in mind we were hoping to get.  This year all we wanted was for you to have the best Santa could find and to see you smile.  You got way more stuff than any one child could ever want or wear.

I love the person you are.  You have a magnetic personality, and the happiest smile.  You are timid in crowds, clinging to your safe people.  You have a wild streak a mile wide, but you tend to save that for your Momma and Daddy.  I am so aware of how sensitive you are.  When you reach for someone and they don't reach back you have the saddest little face.   You have a very tense relationship with the word "no"… in fact I have found a dozen ways to say no without ever uttering the word.  You are so smart and feisty.  I promise to do my best to preserve your personality, to not allow the world to alter your innocence.

Selfishly I hoped this year would come and go slower than it has.  I am not entirely ready for you to be a toddler.  I have enjoyed and cherished every stage leading us here, though some were easier than others.  You have crammed as much growing and learning into a year that any baby could and I am excited to see what next year brings.  So as you continue to grow and change I want you to know that your parents love you, we love each other, and you have a family that is doing their best to make sure you have everything you need.

Happy Birthday Baby!!!

XO-
Mama

Month Eleven

Precious Leavitt,
I have sat down to write to you three times now about our eleventh month together.  I am not sure why this one has me so emotional but I am having a hard time finding the words to describe my feelings.  As things get harder for me to express you are expressing yourself more everyday.  I have always known with your subtle ways who your favorite people are.  You are now letting it be known.  You leap out of my arms and into whoever you are excited to see.  Your face lights up when you see your loved ones.  I love your innocence and your brutal honesty without words.  You're so special.

We had Thanksgiving this week.  We had brunch at home with Grammy and watched the Macy's parade.  We had a late lunch with your Varney family at your Great Aunt & Uncle's house.  You were so shy at first.  Not wanting me to put you down, or pass you to someone else.  You weren't ready to venture off my hip until your Grampy got there.   He tried to give you to your Nana and you cried.  Not because you don't love her, but you two have a bond that is undeniable.  I am happy for you that you love your Dad's father, I think it is good for the three of you.  I am happy to see you forming relationships with your family.  You warmed up after a bit spent time on every ones lap and showed them just how busy you can be.  It was an exhausting day.  You stayed at my Mom's that night.  She text me to tell me you woke up crying for me.  I had to fight the urge to run right over there and stay with you.  I wish I never needed help getting things done and giving you 100% all the time.  I wish you never had to spend any time away from me.  I was heart broken to think you cried for me and I wasn't there.

The holiday rush is upon us.  Your birthday planning is in full swing.  This next month is going to fly by, and I am pretty sure this is why I am having such a hard time describing your eleventh month.  I am so excited for everything to come I just wish I could keep you little longer.  Thank you for you love little man, you are everything to me.

xo
Mommy