Dear Rachel,

Being that we are sisters I am usually able to gauge your feelings and thoughts, and I want to apologize for not being able to do that anymore.  I wish I had the right words, at the right time, to make you feel better.  The situation simply doesn't allow me to.  When Josh called to tell us you had lost Charlee and were on your way in for an emergency c-section, I still had hope.  Hope they were wrong, hope you'd end up one of those viral stories where the baby magically recovers.  I remember telling Mom as I am speeding down the interstate back to you, that you would never be the same again.  I knew this then, and I feel it now.  I can see the changes and I hate that this happened to such a loving, capable mom.  To a little boy who makes the best brother.  To a twin who will always feel a little different from her friends because she is a twin, with an angel sister.  I see Josh holding it together but deep down I know he's changed too.


Sometimes when there is a pause in our conversation I wonder if you want to talk about it.  I almost never bring it up when I am thinking about her because I am afraid if you are having a good day I will ruin it.  You deserve good days.  I want you to know that it was an honor to hold her, to give her, her first bath and dress her with mom when the nurses just didn't seem loving enough.  I remember the guilt I felt trying to bond with Saylor.  How can so much happy and sad be felt at the same time?  I can't imagine your heart, how broken and full it must feel every day.

I hope you are able to find comfort in knowing she lived her whole life in the safety and warmth of her Momma.  That she knew a sister's love and friendship.  That even though I don't say it I miss her so much.  I wonder if she would have been a typical little sister like yours truly.  I wonder all the time if you are ok.  I feel a twinge in my heart when I see Saylor wearing something I bought two of for both of them.  She is so loved, and so missed.

So if ever there is a quiet moment and you want to talk give me the sister look.  I will see it.  You are the strongest, Momma I know.  Thank you for sharing your babies with me and making me the proudest Auntie.  And thank you for choosing my little corner of the internet to share Charlee's story. It is a pure honor to be Auntie Pirate, to your little hooligans.