Charlee's Story

It’s about to get pretty personal.  But, with the month of October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness month, I wanted to bring Charlee’s story to the forefront.

I’ve been hesitant for a while to share our story, but there are things I want to say and things that I feel need to be said.  Maybe it’s just me, but I feel that sharing our story will help other parents not feel so alone in this unwanted membership to club no mother or father wants to belong to.

It’s an emotional place.  A hurtful place.  An angry place.  A constantly wondering “what if” place. A place where there is a constant guilt that weighs you down.  But it is a place that with time we have learned to survive and move forward in.

I’m going to start at the very beginning…we found out we were pregnant in late July 2014 right around Josh’s birthday & soon after we were married.  We’d been trying for baby #2 for MAYBE a month, it happened pretty quickly.  Bloodwork was drawn a few days later.  My HCG levels came back pretty high so the first ultrasound was set for the following week.  It was at my first appointment that we found out there were TWO babies in there.  In shock was an understatement.  “Holy Shit!” I think was the first things out of my mouth.  I remember texting Josh as I left the doctor’s office “WOW!” was all I said, he knew immediately; the funny thing is, that same morning I said to him “Just imagine, imagine if I was carrying twins!” (Mama instincts)

The doctor sent me to have another ultrasound on a better machine; it was so early (7ish weeks) that he wasn’t able to tell if there was a membrane separating them or not.  This was to determine Monoamniotic Monochorionic Twins or Monochorionic Diamniotic Twins.  I prayed for Mono-Di , as this way they would each have their own amniotic sac but would still share a placenta.  Basically, both are considered high risk, but Mono-Di is a little less but still pretty rare.  Gina (the sonographer) immediately saw a membrane separating them!  YAY! We made it past the first obstacle.

Fast forward and my whole pregnancy was going smoothly no issues whatsoever, perfect cord placements, no signs of TTTS (Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome), Mama was doing well, babies growing nicely, everyone was perfectly healthy!  The doctors all said that this pregnancy could not be going any better, and that my body was made to carry these twins (way to make a mama feel good)!!

October 2^nd, we found out that we were having GIRLS!  Identical twin girls, we were over the moon excited.  Throughout this whole pregnancy I told Russell that Mama had TWO babies in her belly, I hoped to prepare him, as much as possible for two new baby sisters.

I can’t remember exactly how far along I was, but maybe around 25 weeks we noticed that Saylor had a little less fluid in her sac and 2 small pin holes in her heart.  It was nothing to be too alarmed about.  Gina and Jamie both reassured me that the fluid for Saylor was still in the average range and that the little holes in her heart are very common and usually will close once the baby matures.  We never had a worry about Charlee.  Ever.  She was perfect.

I was monitored very closely, 2 appointments a week.  It was so routine that I usually went to the appointments alone, no need for me and my husband to both miss work!!   

The holidays came and went.  Everything that was purchased for them was matching.  With Saylor & Charlee being identical I planned on them wearing matching outfits (I was going to be THAT twin mom).

Jump ahead to February 6^th, at this point I was 34 weeks 4 days.  I had my second appointment for the week, girls all checked out perfectly, passed with flying colors.  That weekend Russell’s little buddy from daycare was having a birthday party at the bowling alley.  We attended I remember the ride home the girl’s had hiccups, and Josh felt Charlee kick!

Monday the 9^th I stayed home from work because Russell wasn’t feeling good he had a slight fever, I remember packing my bag for the girls and myself and making sure we had everything ready for them knowing it was getting close with only a few weeks left to go.

February 10^th, 2015 I had my first appointment for the week.  I headed to work, told my co-worker Kristen I’d be right back “Just another appointment!” I said.  Around 8:00AM I had my ultrasound with Jamie.  She started like she always did checked on the girls she went to Charlee first, “she’s still sleeping she said, did you have breakfast this morning?” “No, I haven’t had anything yet” I replied.  She moved on to Saylor.  Saylor checked out perfect.  Jamie continued with some small talk, asking about my weekend etc; looking back now, I know she was just buying herself some time, trying to find her words I believe she already knew.  She paused I’m just going to get the doctor I want him to look at something with me.  In my mind I thought oh, maybe they found out that Saylor’s fluid is less, maybe she has a bigger hole in her heart (I was scheduled for a fetal echo on Saylor’s heart later that same day).  My mind was racing.  She scanned Charlee and stopped on her little heart.  I had, had enough ultrasounds at this point to know EXACTLY what I was looking at.  “Is that Charlee? Is that Charlee’s heart?” I said. “I’m so sorry, Rachel” is all Jamie could get out.  She was in tears.  We hugged. We cried. I screamed.  I punched something probably the table I was on, I don’t remember. I rubbed my belly. I screamed and cried some more. I remember Jamie telling me that the doctor was going to make a call to another doctor to figure out what the best plan of action would be.  

Finally we get a call out to Josh.  I told them to just have him get here; I don’t want him to find out over the phone.  Josh was and has always been my rock.  I just hugged him, he knew something was wrong but all I could get out was Charlee.  Josh made the calls out to family.  My mom was off work that day driving to Portland with my sister to go wedding dress shopping. They met us at the hospital along with Josh’s parents, brother and sister.  

An emergency c-section was scheduled for 12 noon.  I was hooked up to an IV  and monitors and honestly I feel like everything from this moment forward was such a blur. Sometimes I still feel like this is just a really bad dream.  What I do remember is calling my doctor and telling him to get to the hospital, because I needed to get Saylor out, I needed to have her in my arms.  I was so fucking scared.  The girl’s shared a placenta so everything was shared between them.  Meaning, my body was now transferring bad stuff to Saylor, putting her life on the line.  Everyone was trying to keep me as calm as possible while the doctors acted quickly; and inside I was praying, begging God that this was just a mix up, that the Doctors were all wrong and that some sort of miracle was about to unfold

A little after 12 I was wheeled into the operating room, alone, with the 2 anesthesiologists. There was probably 8 people in the room including my doctor & the head NICU Doctor. They prepped everything, I asked for Josh, finally he was allowed in the room. I remember feeling sick, blacking out and then coming back to.

At 1:05pm Saylor Grace entered the world screaming she weighed in at 5lbs 1oz & 19.5 inches long.  Charlee Jane was born exactly one minute later, weighing 5lbs 4oz & 18.5 inches long. Josh was able to see Charlee first, he described her to me has being so peaceful.   His first words helped ease the pain a little, he’s amazing like that.  I got a quick glimpse of Saylor before they rushed her to the NICU to do some scans of her head and heart.  I was then handed Charlee I remember just holding her and crying and smiling and kissing her.  I will forever be honored to be that sweet girl’s mama.  She is perfect in every way. 

Josh, Charlee and I headed to a recovery room where our family was waiting for us.   My sister made a phone call to her good friend Danielle of Danielle Brady Photography and asked if she was available to capture the moment.  Saylor was able to join us shortly after, she was breathing on her own and her scans checked out perfectly; she is one hell of a fighter.  I am forever grateful that my sister was thinking enough to make that phone call. I cherish these pictures that were captured.  It shows how loved Charlee was in her short, little life.  I’m thankful that I will now be able to share these with Russell and Saylor when they are older.

Over the next 24 hours we were asked questions that no parent will ever be prepared to answer.  We had to plan funeral arrangements for Charlee, at the hospital, while Saylor was in the NICU we tried to balance the grieving of Charlee, while celebrating the life of Saylor all at the same time, but honestly I don’t think we could really do either. 

We lost our sweet angel at 35 weeks, to this day we still have no explanation as to why Charlee's heart stopped. Being left with the unanswered questions is very frustrating, and hard to find the closure. We love and miss Charlee tremendously! Writing and sharing her life, although brief, is in its own way healing to me.  A lot of women choose to keep quiet, but I think it’s important to express how this loss has changed us.  I think it’s my way of telling everyone that Charlee was here. She was alive. she existed and she had purpose.  She was wanted and loved and we had big plans for her as a part of our family.  

Thank you all, for taking the time to read Charlee's story, and for allowing me to open up about her.  She has touched our lives in such a powerful way.  She will forever be remembered and honored.

God Bless XO

Rachel

Dear Rachel,

Being that we are sisters I am usually able to gauge your feelings and thoughts, and I want to apologize for not being able to do that anymore.  I wish I had the right words, at the right time, to make you feel better.  The situation simply doesn't allow me to.  When Josh called to tell us you had lost Charlee and were on your way in for an emergency c-section, I still had hope.  Hope they were wrong, hope you'd end up one of those viral stories where the baby magically recovers.  I remember telling Mom as I am speeding down the interstate back to you, that you would never be the same again.  I knew this then, and I feel it now.  I can see the changes and I hate that this happened to such a loving, capable mom.  To a little boy who makes the best brother.  To a twin who will always feel a little different from her friends because she is a twin, with an angel sister.  I see Josh holding it together but deep down I know he's changed too.


Sometimes when there is a pause in our conversation I wonder if you want to talk about it.  I almost never bring it up when I am thinking about her because I am afraid if you are having a good day I will ruin it.  You deserve good days.  I want you to know that it was an honor to hold her, to give her, her first bath and dress her with mom when the nurses just didn't seem loving enough.  I remember the guilt I felt trying to bond with Saylor.  How can so much happy and sad be felt at the same time?  I can't imagine your heart, how broken and full it must feel every day.

I hope you are able to find comfort in knowing she lived her whole life in the safety and warmth of her Momma.  That she knew a sister's love and friendship.  That even though I don't say it I miss her so much.  I wonder if she would have been a typical little sister like yours truly.  I wonder all the time if you are ok.  I feel a twinge in my heart when I see Saylor wearing something I bought two of for both of them.  She is so loved, and so missed.

So if ever there is a quiet moment and you want to talk give me the sister look.  I will see it.  You are the strongest, Momma I know.  Thank you for sharing your babies with me and making me the proudest Auntie.  And thank you for choosing my little corner of the internet to share Charlee's story. It is a pure honor to be Auntie Pirate, to your little hooligans.

Christmas Tradition

I got so many compliments and emails about the ornament I had made with our wedding venue on it I decided to share our tradition with you!

For as long as I can remember my Mom has had the most beautiful christmas tree.  Every year she added a few new ornaments from our greatest adventures or milestones from that year.

I am carrying on her tradition (more like stealing her tree swag) and have them made for all our precious memories.  The birth of our son.  Building our new home. Leavitt's first time on a lobster boat. Our wedding venue.  Various vacations.  You get the idea.  

There is a special little store I always go to on our annual Bar Harbor trip.  Actually we usually make the trip because I need the ornaments (my husband is a good guy).  Anyways the Christmas Vacation Shop in Bar Harbor is my go to.  Sometimes I find one she has already painted and have her add our names and the event with the date, other times I give her a picture or an idea and she paints it for me in a couple days.  She personalizes free of charge... yes you read that right and all the custom bulbs she has done for me have been under $20.  You can find her right on Main St. in Bar Harbor or her website here.  I want to see what you have made so make sure you send me pictures or tag me! 

Mom Bride

Five reasons why being a mom bride is a bad idea, and the one reason why I am so glad I was.

1.  Babysitters.  I typically only have Leavitt at daycare twice a week.  For the last three months every single daycare day has been jammed packed with wedding meetings or tasks.   Add on top of those scarce free weekdays grandparents that want to be involved and pampered and you basically are handing out short straws to whoever you beg to watch the baby.  My list of potential babysitters can be counted on one hand so that was a struggle.  I know, I know that is what Dad's are for but keep in mind car guys work six days a week.... oye.

2. Separation Anxiety.  So now that I have that babysitter I am rushing back to my mommy post and can't focus on what I am supposed to be doing or enjoying.  I miss that little guy right now as he sleeps down the hall, embarrassing but true.  So bachelorette party, kept on a pg level.  Due to unforeseen family stuff we canceled the overnight trip and did a day trip.  Still missed the crap out of that little guy but at least there wasn't time to get tipsy, drunk dial the sitter and cry to my bridesmaids about how much I love the tiny taskmaster.  I am a bucket of fun.  Oh and we took the light hurricane warning as the perfect out to not go on the fabulous honeymoon we both looked forward to and dreaded.  I honestly was sick over leaving him.  Nick and I took turns talking each other off the ledge and in the end we didn't go anyways so there's that.

3.  Ring Bearer.  Let me just tell you, when you are a Mom Bride you're going to get asked what his role will be in the wedding more times than they will ask about anything else.  I was indifferent the first time I was asked.  The second time I was asked I brushed it off.  The third time I was annoyed and told the person he would be doing whatever he damn well pleased, because he is a toddler and he doesn't care what his title is.  I stuck to that and he was allowed to do whatever he damn well pleased.  After all, if it is our day it is also his day.

4.  "I will need the biggest room you have".  This is what I blurted out as we chatted about the bride and groom suite.   A cozy room with a view for two.  Um no.  I need a suite with a padded room, huge tub, full kitchen and room to congregate, because sisters with toddlers need to spread out.  Lucky for us the hotel owner made a room just for the Obama's in 2010 and it was perfect for our traveling circus.  I even brought our bounce house down and set it up in the living room and later on the deck.  I was not about to spend my most fabulous weekend shacked up in a little room up to my eyeballs in luggage.  Splurging on the rooms never felt like a luxury with a toddler, but it did make things way more enjoyable.

5.  Wardrobe.  OK this is the most important and annoying thing for me especially.  My dress was all the things a dress should be in the salon and at the seamstress.  Flattering,  comfortable, a reflection of my personal style... you get the idea.  Partially because those broads in the bridal business lace a dress like nobodies business.  But once I bent down to pick up LW a couple times the bottom inched up the top inched down and all of a sudden I was not tucked in in a flattering way at all.  Glory be to Danielle for saving me with those angles and for coming back to my room helping me strip and then being total rockstar about me laying under a ballgown skirt naked swearing about that damn dress.  I ended up in a skirt from one of my favorite small shops, and a basic white tank top, a wardrobe change that was totally not planned.

Here is the one reason being a Mom Bride was the best thing I didn't plan and of course this ended up being my most treasured memory.  Obviously the ever talented and always amazing Danielle Brady captured the moment perfectly.  A moment that truly represents our family, no matter how glam the moment we are parents to a wild man who just wants to play at his mother's feet.  

Something new

Hi there! Glad you found your way to the fancier new page.  Fancy doesn't mean we won't be giving you the nitty gritty so don't expect any fluff, that just wouldn't be our style.  I say our because I legitimately have not one second alone anymore.  My tiny taskmaster is officially on the loose.  No more stuck in a pack'n play, no more mommy getting him out of his crib.  He has found his freedom and by god he will assert that shit all over the place.  I find myself watching him make a mess just so I can clean a different one up.... isn't there some fitting quote about insanity that fits here? Thought so.

So I decided to spiff this little area up where I come to to document the memories, vent my mommy frustrations and keep it real for all of you who don't get the pleasure of living with a toddler.  I hope you follow along with our journey, share some of your own experiences in the comments, tag a friend or share a post you and your mommy tribe relate to.  I love hearing from other moms as much as I like being one.  I added a Lost section where you can find our adventures and a lifestyle section where I plan to share my favorite things with you all.  I get asked on Instagram all the time where I get my baby stuff, mom swag and I love to follow the sales even if I don't actually buy something.   Give a girl a hot second to get this wedding, honeymoon and summer over with and I will put in the effort... I hope!

Anyways, we are teething hardcore, wedding planning like a crazy people... oh yeah we are hours away from a one week countdown.  I am fully prepared minus the packing part but obviously that will be overdone and last minute.  I have been trolling the back to school sales... oddly they include babies and toddlers in these sales so who am I to turn them down.  Gawking at all the precious things I would buy if my child's closet didn't already rival mine.

I hope we survive the next week better than this week.  Nothing like a seating chart to send some adults into a tizzy.  My little guy spent all week with me because daycare was closed... so productivity has been down around here.  I am currently dealing with some devastating family news that keeps the perspective real so my no bullshit policy is in full effect until further notice.  Hope everyone loves the new design as much as I do! Take a look around and tell me what you think.  Say a little prayer for my family please and also that I can make it through this week with my sanity.   I will be sweating saying see ya later to my favorite little guy for the honeymoon.  Hopefully it doesn't send me over the edge... because the me that is up all night worrying lately thinks leaving him behind was the dumbest thing we ever decided.  Or was it the smartest?! I am off to get a grip and move this sweaty sleeping toddler out of my bed... am I the only one who things co sleeping is crap? I'm sorry I can't bond with someone sitting on my face, kicking me in the ribs, and pulling on my eye lids.  Lets leave that for another time :)

Where you been?

We just moved home from a staycation at a local hotel while we had some work done at our house.  The idea sounded ok but the novelty wore off immediately after checking in… what can I say our family likes to vacation in style or be home, we really don't do the regular life at a hotel well.

Anyways, for those of you that have asked I haven't really given up the baby book blogging, I just haven't been sure where I wanted it to go after the first year letters to precious Leavitt.  So if you're one of the ones who read this sappy, sarcastic stuff I write about mom life then please don't give up on us and follow along as we navigate toddler antics, parenting firsts and wedding planning.  Thats right Leavitt's parents are getting hitched.

I gave this thing a face lift hoping it will excite me a little bit… and since I hate computers it made my face look weird on the picture and I have no idea why… so I am going to bug the geek squad guy about it while I fork over the $30 for a password reset for my brand spanking new laptop I can't use because we don't know what the password is.  Insert eye roll, finger pointing and annoyed people sharing busted old laptop.

Here is a little peek at the precious face that is keeping me busy and the reason I never want to forget these days.

Florida vacation

  We just returned from our first real vacation as a family and it sobered Nick up to life with baby 24/7 pretty quick…. I think we both wanted a vacation from our vacation when we finally made it home, that cold familiar air felt nice for a change.

As always Florida did not disappoint me, but things sure have changed since I spent carefree youthful days living there.  Actually Florida is basically the same, I just no longer suffer from "wish I still lived here" nostalgia.  Spending time with my sisters and their girls always makes me wish we were lived closer.  That the kids could play on a regular basis and that our shopping trips were more frequent.  I love seeing them with their nephew, and I adore the little ladies that call me Auntie.  My sister Barbara was sick with pneumonia while we were there, and she still woke me up every morning with a cup of coffee and a quick bathroom chat before the stir of little children pulled us in every direction.  My sister Kim and I took Leavitt to the outlet mall and got our retail fix… not that either of us probably needed it but it felt good just the same.  Having so many siblings has been the best gift my Dad has given me, sisters don't ever walk away.  Children, family spats, and everyday drama only makes sisters closer and I needed an extra dose of that.  Next time I hope Rachel and Miss Saylor will join us for some girl time!  Maybe even have a cousin magic kingdom excursion with Russell... I would love to see their faces at Disney.

Nick flew down and met me half way through the vacation.  As soon as we picked him up we were on our way to see his Grandparents in Ocala… Leavitt was sick, Nick was ticked off about some work nonsense and I was left to drive the crazy train. Just seeing Nick at the airport was exciting for me, I love a little family adventure and I certainly missed him while we were apart.

 Leavitt spent his days toddling around their house hugging the dog, scaring the cat, turning off computers and throwing phones.  Occasionally he played with the toys they so kindly had there for him.  He scared the daylights out of everyone with his impressive projectile vomitting skills and my only saving grace was Brenda, some chardonnay and a jar full of M&Ms.  Finally we had a pool day and Leavitt got some face time with a horse. Overall we enjoyed some real relaxation… as much as any parent with a sick kid on vacation can.  Leavitt discovered a love for kiwi while at his great grandparents and has been chowing down on them ever since we got back.

 I have to admit even though I am less than thrilled with Leavitt's new toddler tantrums and wild antics, it is nice for others (especially Nick) to see what it's really like with him... I feel like I have mommy street cred now... Especially with the busted lip he gave me right before we left.  

Here are some of my favorite memories from the trip... We hope to be back in Florida sooner rather than later!! Of course per usual we forgot to get a family photo of the three of us... Whoops.